When Affection and Avoidance Collide: Truth & Discernment in Christ

💔 When Affection and Avoidance Collide

A Reflection on Trauma, Truth & Discernment in Love

By Annette Luurtsema

A little while ago, I gave my husband a letter in response to our separation—written prayerfully, with love and clarity—during dinner at a restaurant. I thought a public space might offer neutrality and safety for both of us. He didn’t read it then. He said he wasn’t “in a place” to read it.

Instead, he complimented how I looked. He took my hand across the table. He cried. He told me how much he loved me.

And I left the restaurant feeling… confused.

This post is for every woman who’s experienced moments like these—moments where love and avoidance blur, and you wonder if you’re asking for too much… or finally seeing clearly.

1. He Avoided the Core Issue

Refusing to read the letter wasn’t just a delay—it was a form of emotional deflection. The affection was real, yes—but it came instead of engaging with truth. In trauma-informed recovery, this is common: an emotionally intense gesture replaces the work of accountability.

“Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” —James 1:22

Love that resists accountability isn’t really love—it’s self-protection disguised as tenderness.

2. “10% Understanding” Is Honest—But Also a Caution

He said he understands “about 10%” of what I’ve shared about the pain, the trauma, and the truth. That may sound like a start—but unless there’s a clear commitment to grow that understanding, it’s a warning. Real repentance means a willingness to keep learning with humility, even when it’s hard.

3. Emotion Isn’t Transformation

Tears. Holding hands. “I love you.” All of that might be genuine. But in emotionally abusive or deeply dysfunctional dynamics, displays of affection can also be part of a trauma bond—where intensity substitutes for health.

Emotional highs and lows don’t equal change. They often create confusion, especially for women with tender hearts.

4. Discernment Is Key

“By their fruits you will recognize them.” —Matthew 7:16

The question isn’t how he feels. It’s what he does next.

Does he take ownership? Seek godly counsel? Begin to show the fruit of repentance and emotional growth? Or does he return to gestures without real change?

Discernment means watching for fruit, not just feelings.

5. You Can Be Both Soft and Strong

I chose to share my heart gently, without confrontation, rooted in dignity. That’s not weakness—it’s courage.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” —Proverbs 31:25

I stood in my healing—even if the outcome remains uncertain.

What About My Trauma?

He commented that I see things more “sensitive” because of my trauma. At face value, that might sound like empathy. But here’s what I’ve learned:
• Sensitivity due to trauma doesn’t make my perception unreliable—it sharpens it.
• Saying “you’re just sensitive” shifts the focus off his actions and onto my reactions.
• It dismisses my discernment as distortion. That’s not compassion—it’s gaslighting, even if unintentional.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18

My pain doesn’t disqualify me—it prepares me to see what others may ignore.

Final Thoughts

Healing in relationship requires humility from both people. I’m showing mine. Now I’m watching to see if he’ll show his.

If you’re in a place of wrestling between love and truth—between compassion and clarity—know this:
You are not “too sensitive.”
You are not asking for too much.
You are being awakened to what’s real.
And that is the beginning of healing.

🙏 If this post spoke to you, you’re not alone.
💌Join the Redeemed_HealingCo Instagram community for more Christ-centered support and resources.